I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
