I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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