rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
