Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
