Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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