Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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