I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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