My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
