If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Im part way to drunk.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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