we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
