i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
