my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
