My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
