you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
