My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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