eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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