My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
