Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
