i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
