My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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