she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
