Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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