i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
