u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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