Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
