Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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