i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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