So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
