Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
