He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
