did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
