The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
