after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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