In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
