I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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