I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
