Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
