i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
