bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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