i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
