I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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