someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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