why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
