Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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