New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
