How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
