The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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