I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
