are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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