did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
