new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize