Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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