I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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