by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
