we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
