Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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