I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She's the barista slut.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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